Jesus

“But this is how God will rescue the whole world. My life will break and God’s broken world will mend. My heart will tear apart–and your hearts will heal. Just as the passover lamb died, so now I will die instead of you. My blood will wash away all of your sins. and you’ll be clean on the inside–in your hearts.”

~based on Jesus’ speech during the Last Supper in Mark 14 and John 13-14; Jesus in The Jesus Storybook Bibleby Sally Lloyd Jones

So, it was Good Friday...ya know...the day we celebrate Jesus' death on the cross. And there I was, frantically working away. I am such a Martha. Here and there I tried to make some special moments for my kids which can be stressful in and of itself. God seemed so far away. On the day that He climbed to his death for me...I couldn't feel Him or see Him. I wanted to spend time with Him and recognize and honor what He did for me. But, I also felt stuck. How do I get out of that place? Then I was wasting time on someone else's blog and I came across the quote above. It is from a children's bible. But it touched my heart. I love the paradox of God. I love His mystery. It is in His broken body that we are healed. It is not in my clean, put together, ideal of a world. It is in His broken body. That is it. So simple and yet not simple at all.

Then today...during what was a special and non-stressful moment with my daughter and nephew...I came across some answers. We were talking about the Resurrection. We had made a resurrection treat and then read the story in our children's bible. I felt led to ask these two five year olds why Mary Magdalene didn't recognize Jesus. She first thinks him to be the gardener. We came up with two theologically sound answers. One. She was busy weeping. She was concerned over the absence of Jesus' body from the tomb. Now that is a good thing to be concerned with...it isn't shallow or wrong. But it did distract her from even recognizing her Savior's voice. He spoke to her, but it wasn't until He spoke out and said, "It is I". That she was able to see Him. Number two reason for missing Jesus. She wasn't expecting Him. Again, this is a completely natural response. His body, which had been sealed in a tomb with a relatively large stone, was missing. I think any of us would not have expected to see him walking around after we had just buried His dead body! Yet today I was waiting for my husband to arrive home with great expectation. He said he would be home in 40 minutes. After 40 minutes, I started expecting him to walk through the door. When he finally did walk through the door...I wasn't surprised and I knew it was his voice saying hello.

So tomorrow, when the tomb is rolled away my attitude has been changed. I will concern myself with the Lord and I will wait in expectation for Him to arrive because I believe it is in those moments that I will see Him.

He is risen! He is risen indeed.

No regret

I started this post last night and never finished. Here's high hopes that today I am slightly less exhausted from my marathon on Sunday. Maybe today I will finish a post.

So, there you have it. 26.2 miles. Finished! I was 8 minutes shy of my goal to qualify for the Boston Marathon. I was so proud on Sunday after my race just for finishing. It didn't matter that I didn't qualify. But yesterday as the rain soaked everything...I felt my soul beginning to drown in disappointment. 8 minutes short. I didn't quite make it. I went out too fast. Way too fast and I just died as the miles wore on (part of the reason I refer to myself as a HARE-ha). I knew better. People told me...don't go out too fast. Nerves and fresh legs beat out wisdom as I hopped over the start. Regrets.

But as I sat to write this last night I remembered the Scripture. "Run in such a way as to get the prize". That's in 1 Corin. 9. I had to look it up just to be sure. I was right. It is in there. I didn't win the prize, but I ran "in a such a way". Is that enough? Simple faith says, of course. After all, it is Jesus who completed the race for me. He won the prize. My redemption was finished at the cross. As I look ahead at this Holy Week, I won't look back with regret. I look forward to that which has already been won for me. Thank you Jesus that you take pleasure over me...even that which might not be complete.

Okay, still pretty exhausted...off to bed now. Maybe more about the actual marathon tomorrow.

So small

"Thank you for the cross. Thank you for your death. Thank you for the chance to live again. Thank you for your blood that always covers me. Cause every day I'm falling short of your glory. Thank you for the crown. Thank you for the nails. Thank you that your flesh was torn and that you tore the veil. Thank you for your grace displayed perfectly when you hung undeserved dying on a tree."

When I collect myself and take the time to reflect on the cross everything else seems so small. My sin, my debt, my struggles...it all becomes so small. Now, my hope is to keep my focus on the cross and not get distracted. I have spent so much time learning and hearing how important it is to remain connected to the Lord (ya know, the whole "I am the vine, you are branches"). The reality of maintaining that connection is so much more difficult. I can hear one piece of discouraging news and head downhill fast. Recently though I have heard some truths that have stuck, and I am so grateful.

Truth #1: God's plan is better than my plan. Even when my plan seems to be a really good idea with really great timing, I know that God's plan is better than mine. Part of this is understanding that He loves me...really loves me and He is good. I am a little dense in this area. But really, He only wants good things for me.

Truth #2 God's ways are true and just. This is from Revelation 15 and just sort of reiterates Truth #1...that's why I like it.

I lost sight of these things in the mundaneness of my morning today. So maybe I can understand the truth in the big circumstances and it is time to apply it to the little things. For example, when I get stuck in traffic and I want to scream at the top of my lungs while three little people cling to their seats in fear behind me. God's traffic plan is better than mine! Or maybe I should give myself more time to get places in rush hour traffice...or both.

"Place my hands on your hands and I dance with you. Place my feet on your feet and I dance with you. Lay my head on your shoulder and I dance with you. Jesus Christ, lover of mine. Jesus Christ, I can't wait to be with you." When even the small things can't get in between you and I.

Words from the Song: "Thank You" by Heather Clark

The Smell of Defeat.

I got out of bed this morning to look at the falling snow when I realized that what felt like a small bruise on my knee yesterday, felt more like an injury today. The clouds that are dumping massive amounts of snow on our city seem to have left a rather large deposit on my spirits as well. Ugh! I scream in my head. Ugh! Why me...wah, wah, wah. I think it began last night while praying for an increase in faith. I seem to have struck a little stone wall blocking me from stepping out of the boat. Although I used to run over hurdles at a pretty good speed this little wall seems insurmountable. What happened from my last blog when I was such an overcomer? Isn't it weird how you can fall or get stuck so quickly?

Quicksand comes to mind. I really don't know anything about quicksand...in fact, is quick sand actually real or can it only be found in the movies? I am not sure. Somewhere in the abyss of my brain I am reminded that when you are stuck in quicksand, the easiest way to get out is to not struggle. So fine! I throw my hands up. I give in and I stop my struggle. Psalm 40 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Lord, I wait for you. Lift me out of the pit of unbelief and fear. Put in me a new song, one that calls out faith in others. May the blind eyes be open to see the depths of your love.

My knee is going to be fine. Going into week 10 of marathon training...if this is the first bump in the road, that is not so bad. On the agenda for tomorrow: 16 miles. Should I brave the snow or suffer on the treadmill. It is a tough call.

Being an Overcomer

I want to be an overcomer. Make me an overcomer. Am I an overcomer yet?

It is January 15th and we are right smack in the middle of the winter blahs. Can you feel them? It is 38 degrees and cloudy. I am in the warmth of my home but I am cold. And there is the blah feeling that starts at the top of my head and I can feel all the way to the big toe that is poking through a small hole in my sock. How can I overcome it? How can I stop wasting time on the internet doing nothing and do something that needs to be done? Get me out of the rut! I want to be an overcomer.

I heard a hilarious sermon yesterday. Wasn't much of a sermon...more of an exhortation. But the woman repeated something that is ringing in the back of my head still. Look up! Don't look down. Look up! Don't look down. When we live with our heads in the clouds...or with a heavenly perspective, everything looks different. When your head is in the clouds...you can see the sun.

Running was really difficult this morning. It was so hard to push through and get it done. I did almost. Got the speed part done...not the distance. But I ran 16 miles on Sunday. My longest distance yet. I already am an overcomer. Today if I don't get anything done, at least I will be looking up.

Ugh...here I am.

Do you ever feel like there are so many things that you should do, but you either don't feel like doing any of them, or you just don't know where to start. Blah. That is where I am today, this week, this winter. What is most annoying about this place is that I can't comprehend that this is okay. I am loved just where I am, just who I am. I don't have to do anything, be anyone, or say anything...and God loves me all the more. I don't get that. How can I change my attitude and receive this truth.

The thought that comes to mind is to just thank Him. Thank you God for my health and the health of my family. Thank you for my legs and my speed that enable me to run. Thank you God for my husband who puts up with my crap. Thank you for my kids and our great family. I believe that there are even greater things in store. Thank you for the monotony of my days. Thank you for the wealth that we have. We are so rich. Thank you for the poop stain on the carpet...Micah will eventually get trained. God, give me a grateful heart. Give me a grateful heart. Move in me with deep gratitude. I need you in my life and you appeared in your Son. Thank you Lord.

I will put one foot in front of the other today. And that is good enough.

I haven't done my 6 miles yet...not looking forward to it....just one more thing on my list of things to do. Here is my white flag...I surrender. I give up control.

Into the world of blogging

Here I go. Diving into the blogging world. What inspired me? I confess, sheepishly, I watched Julie and Julia the other night and thought to myself, I can do that. I can share my thoughts. I know, lame. But I like the idea of getting the thoughts out somewhere. Maybe no one will ever read them, maybe just my husband or maybe someone famous. Who knows. But I can do that. The only problem? I have a lot of things I am interested in...so what do I blog about? Well, its my blog, and I can write about anything. Right?

Today I dreamed about a lot of things. The top three: running my marathon in march, homeschooling my kids and having my house organized. Wait, one more, doing something awesome for God. Not for God- with God. See this is what my day is like. I never thought of myself as much of a dreamer...but lookie lou...maybe it is time for a little redefinition.

Well, I ran 4 miles on the treadmill. This is week 5 of training. I have to gear up for a 16 mile run on Sunday...my longest distance ever. It is daunting. My hip is a little tight. My shoes are only two months old...can't afford new ones. Will some more stretching help? I hope so. I remember an athlete's advice that it is much more mental than we realize. Lord, increase my mental endurance and peace. I saw the words, "I see His pleasure when I run" written on my back.

I sat down with Stephen today and read 3 chapters in his CCD book. We are catching up for the nine chapters that need to be read by Thursday for a meeting with the Rel. Ed. director. My kind of homeschooling. Put it off, put it off, hurry up and finish it. Ugh, big sigh. Big lie, not good enough. At least we did it. And I got to talk to my son about how we are born with sin and how only Jesus can cover that sin. Worth it.

Well, I am blogging instead of doing dishes and putting away Christmas decorations. I did buy baskets to put by the back door. One for shoes, one for our favorite hats/gloves, one for stuff we don't use very often, and one for wrestling stuff. I wonder how long before Micah pulls them off the shelf and dumps them out.

I can't say I have done anything awesome with God today. One foot in front of the other. Walking steadily. Hungry for more. I think I am okay with that. I think He is okay with that. You have made me for your glory. May I feel your pleasure over me when I run, not-homeschool, organize, or just sit on the couch.

Maybe tomorrow I will figure out how I can post some pictures.